Always Seem To Be..

Why is it that everytime there needs to be a boundary towards something that I feel? I'm always able to sense and feel it, but never able to touch and hold onto it. Sometimes it's just too frustating. Knowing that something is there but yet it's so far away. Felt it too many times, I'm tired and I'm getting sick of feeling this way for countless of times. Why can't this just be easy to start with?

I'm sick of just looking at it with silence. I wanna branch out and be able to make it MINE. But how? I just don't know what I can do. It aches and it pains me to feel this way again and again. I want to throw it back into the ocean and let it DROWN. But I think, I threw myself in with it...

God, save me....

My Role Model

Besides than Jesus being ULTIMATE role model in life. My great grandma is my other role model on earth apart from my parents'. Shes 87 this year. Quite young for a great grandma huh? Yeah, I hear that a lot. As humans grow old, every part of our body shrinks. Even our organs. Its kind of normal for her to get sick and get admitted into the hospital. Especially when she has asthma. She is a strong, optimistic, cute, adorable, sweet and gentle soul :)... Shes been in and out of the hospital almost twice a year.

But, even when shes sick. Or in the hospital. She never fails to go to church every sunday, riding on her little old bike. Shes been all alone by herself for the past 25 years ever since her husband died(my great grandpa). Last night I wondered to myself, even with my family and friends around me. Yet, I feel lonely sometimes. And my great grandma has been alone by herself for 25 years. Washing, cooking and cleaning all by herself. I definitely believe that in her spare time, she talks to God a lot. And that's how I know why she doesn't feel alone at all. Because God, is really in her life. She told my mum before, that she sometimes misses her husband. But, because of God.. She is able to overcome the lonely times in her life. When I thought about that last night. I just thought to myself "Wow.. shes such an incredible woman.. I wanna grow to be just like her.." Despite her health and lack of physical support. She is still passionate about God. And even through the lonely times. The ONLY person she seeks, is GOD. I can't help but to cry thinking about it.

Because, its so powerful and yet touching at the same time. My great grandma definitely left something for me to grow on with. Which is to know, that God is with me 24/7. And even during the bad times, know that my faith, love and believe in Him will overcome ALL loneliness and difficulties. I know very well, that even as shes laying on the hospital bed right now. Shes thinking about God, and when she will go HOME:')... I know that she'll be fine for sure. Cause she never stops fighting. Shes a WARRIOR. A WARRIOR for GOD.

" I LOVE you great grandma... Get well soon.. :')"

Giving up on LOVE means giving up on GOD. Giving up on GOD means giving up on LOVE. Yeah... you get the picture.. Its just so hard sometimes. I don't want to cry anymore Lord...



*praying*

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 1 Peter 5:6-10

:) =) =] :') =') =']

Change

So much had happened lately and I just don't know where to start or what to say. Theres 2 things in life that I really dislike most. Which is CHANGE and REJECTION/BEING HURT. Well, been through quite a lot for this week and its just suddenly so heavy that I just somehow feel that I'm not strong enough to bear it. I admit that I did cry. But, it is through Him that I was able to pull through it step by step.

Right now, learning how to let go of some1 really dear to me is another task at hand. I really don't know if I can take another heartbreak or let another person go anymore. It feels like I've let go a lot of things in life. And every time that I do, it feels like something NEW. And every time it happens it is never easier. But harder. :')... I always hated the fact that I have to let something go even though I really love it. Who likes it anyway? But we have to when it just happens right?

Right now, I don't even know what I'm talking abt. Lol.. Its like, everything is splashed on a piece of paper but with very ugly colours. Went to church today and of course, its FATHER'S DAY!! =)... I really cried a lot becoz of what is happening. And at the same time, I felt really really really BAD becoz I'm crying while I should be joyful. Its Father's Day for goodness sake! And I'm suppose to wish my Father in Heaven a Happy Father's Day but instead I'm crying.. -.-"...

While I was crying, I kept saying to God. "Daddy... I'm really really sorry... I know that I shouldn't cry especially when its Father's Day. I'm really sorry that I'm crying right now.. I really am sorry. :'("... But my Father was gracious of me. He told me "Its okay... Just cry... Just don't give up.. DON'T GIVE UP!"... I can't help but to cry even MORE. I just felt like an UNDYING LOVE and SUPPORT from Him just POURED upon me. And I felt His hugs. When I felt all those, I just couldn't stop crying. I COULDN'T!! I HAVE to be STRONG not for myself but for GOD. Because He needs me just as much as I need HIM!!

Its not going to be easy. But I will DO MY BEST because my Father loves me! Right now, I will just take my time to heal while I look upon Him :')



"Letting go of you is the hardest thing for me right now. But doing it without God, would have killed me...."


Lord, I trust in You. Therefore, I lean on You and Your strength right now...


P.S- HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO ALL THE FATHERS! AND TO YOU, DADDY IN HEAVEN ULTIMATELY!!! =)



*holding on to God*

Priorities

What are your priorities in life? My aunt called me last night to ask if doing sound(AV stuff) is hard. Well, I just said "Its not really hard and its not really easy either. As long as you have the interest to do it. Then all is well.. :)"... When I told my mum that my aunt is thinking of joining the AV team in the Chinese church of Glad Tidings. My mum was like.. "she got time meh? her own 4 kids also cannot take care and now she wants to join the AV team ar??". If you guys don't know, my aunt is a divorced woman of 4 kids. 3 boys and 1 girl. Its really complicated and mind you that its not God's fault that they got divorced. ANYWAY, my aunt... how should I put it?.. According to my mum's "motherly" judgement. My aunt isn't a good mum.

She never really takes care of her kids and apparently, her kids aren't really her priority. (From my mum's analysis). But then I thought, what does serving God in the AV team has to do with her kids? So my mum explained that.. "I know ur aunt wants to serve God and all these kinds of stuff. But, do you think that, thats what God wants her to do now? Maybe God wants her to take care of her kids le? The bible says that WE as parents' are given the task to take care and nurture our kids as they are given to us as treasures by God. But is ur aunt doing what she is suppose to do? I believe that God would want us to serve Him with the right attitude and all things going accordingly in life. If she can't even do her part as a parent and perform the task at hand thats already given by God, how can you expect her to serve in the AV team? Wouldn't that be serving God hypocritically?"..

Those things that my mum asked me kind of got me thinking. Thats really true. Now, I understand why not everybody are actively involved in church. Coz, this might be part of the reason why. As in, they've got other priorities in life and stuff. But that doesn't mean that their not serving God. As a parent, they serve God by taking care of their treasures(children). Teenagers and kids, we serve God by getting good grades and obeying Him and our parents'. There are many ways that we can serve God and it doesn't always have to be in the church. Mum was right. And she also made a point that we gotta make our priorities right. If your gonna serve God. Serve Him with the right heart, attitude and life. Otherwise, you'll just be doing everything "half past 6" and I don't think that God would like that very much. Its either that your hot or cold and not lukewarn. So yea, setting my priorities RIGHT!

Priorities:-

1. God

2. Family & Studies

3. Church & Friends

4. Future boyfriend/husband

Yup, the things above are my priorities for now as a teenager. It may change after I get a job, get married and stuff. But God will always be NO.1!! =)

SET YOUR PRIORITIES RIGHT PEEPS!

The Place Where It All Started

Went back last sat (5th of june) to my parents' hometown(perak, sitiawan) to witness and help out for my cousin bro's wedding(congrats! :) ). But, the wedding wasn't really my mum's purpose of going back. Neither was mine. My family had an astranged relationship with my grandparents' (mum's side). After what had happened 7 years ago. Yup, we didn't visit nor talk to them for SEVEN years! But, it really wasn't my parents' fault. What happened you ask? Sorry, too private. You would have to be a really close friend to find out ;)..

Anyway, as my bros, mum and I arrived at their house. I walked in 1st with 2 pairs of crocs on my hand(a gift for them from my mum). The 1st person I saw when I walked in was my grandpa. He was sitting down on a chair reading his newspaper(kampung style.. LOL!). He heard me walking in and he turned his head to see who was it. When he saw me and my bros, I think there was a 3 secs pause. I just said "Hi grandpa :)".. He looked at me and my bros and said "Hello.." And then he invited us in and stuff. Then my grandma came out from the kitchen. The 1st thing she did was, she held me and she looked at me up and down. And she said "Waaaa... hooi hooi grow up adi.. Such a big girl already.." I can feel tears rolling down my eyes as I saw her. Because, I just couldn't believe that I'm actually seeing her and my grandpa. I was just so overwhelmed by the whole thing.

And of course, they were really happy when they saw my mum. And of course, my mum was really happy too! =).. We all talked a little. And my grandpa and grandma brought us to the kitchen to have some food (kampung style.. haha!xD)... I'm telling you, my grandpa is THE best chef EVER! The food he cooks are just so DELICIOUS. Its not just delicious but it feels like HOME. =)... Then my bros and I went outside to look at the neighbourhood and stuff while my mum catches up with my grandparents'.

I have to say that God really has a plan for everything. Things may be really harsh at times in life but He has His plans. And He is never hear to harm us. What my parents' went through was really really really bad.. The thought of it sometimes, when I think about the side effects of what my parents' went through in my life. Really just brings tears to my eyes. But, God is ever so merciful and gracious to all of us. He did take some stuff but He didn't took everything. And from the little amount that He took. He gave us back even more than we expected :').. It was just that period of time that was tough... But through that 7 years of hardship.. God was always there. My parents' left Him a long time ago ever since they got married.

But He never left them. And He never denied them as they have denied Him. Even though they went through all these for 7 years. But to me, it was all worth it. The outcome of it all is beyond amazing. Without this experience, I would have never known God and His love. Without this experience, my parents' would have never gone back to God and learned their lessons in life. Without this experience, we wouldn't know what we have lost until we really lose it. (family, friends and loved ones).. I'm really thankful to God that even though the money was gone. But my parents' weren't gone. Coz, I could have lost them in this battle in life. But God shined His light on them and was with them through every trial and darkness in their lives. And even in mine as well as I was struggling to grow up without my parents' presence at home most of the time during those days.

One thing's for sure. HIS LOVE ENDURES FOREVER. AND HE IS FOREVER GRACIOUS & MERCIFUL! =)