Guess...

it's enough tears for today. Don't you think so? :')

His Ways and Not Mine

I remembered suddenly yesterday about what Pastor Julie said during camp, "Let God be God". I know this even way before youth camp, but never seem to do what is being said. Many times in life, I like to have things my own way or even do things my own way. And sometimes even go ahead of God's plan and decide something for myself. The very lesson that I learnt from not "Letting God be God" was last year.

I've always had this desire to have a family of my own ever since I was 12. It is my heart's desire obviously. But in the process, I don't want to do the wrong thing or be with the wrong person just because of this desire of mine (which becomes dangerous if I give into my own heart and ways). Fell in love last year, felt that it was really special. Prayed about it and asked God, but I was too impatient for the answer. Concluded that he might be the one for me and practically led each other on for quite awhile. At the end, it bruised me so bad. Cause as I was happily ignoring God's answer and could only hear what I WANT and not what GOD WANTS. And yes, at the end, God had to speak to me REAL LOUDLY, and it hit me with a BANG.

I told myself over and over again, the next guy that I fall for, I'm going to pray, pray and PRAY until God answers! I'm going to WAIT patiently and not make a move. But just let God lead things where He wants it to be. Not going to make the same mistake over again. Just letting Him be Him right now. At the same time, enjoying my singlehood as much as I can :) At this time, I just want to seek Him first and not bother about the things where He won't be giving to me at this time yet. Gonna trust in His ways and His timing in my life. Because He knows best! :)

I don't want to be led astray just because of what I want or what my heart desires. That, in my opinion, would be the saddest thing ever to happen. It's not wrong to desire to get married and stuff, but it becomes wrong when God is not the center of attention of it (get what I mean?). If I were to be with someone, it has got to be God's plan, timing and way. And no, no other than that! I want to lead life now, trusting Him, following Him wherever He leads me and waiting patiently for my PRESSIE to come one day! :) <3

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matt 6:33

Peace

So adorable :)



I'd like to think that my path in life has beauitful cherry blossom trees for me to see as I'm walking.. <3



Always loved autumn..



Love them.. :)









"I know I'm a dreamer, but it's never wrong to do so anyway.."

Go away..!

Do not approach or reach out to me if you never plan on knowing me truthfully and sincerely.
Do not be utterly nice or sweet to me unless you know you've got feelings for me.
Do not touch me if you don't intend to give me a signal of how you feel about me.
Do not purposely do things that'll trigger my curiosity towards you if you do not intend on making me fall for you.
Do not barge into my life if you never intend on staying...

P.S- GO AWAY jerks! I'm not playing games.. So unless you wanna lose and bleed, don't even dare do such things to me. Please and thank you ;)

Trying too much?

A lot of us try to be someone that we're not when we've fallen for someone who is the complete opposite of us. True that I am no stranger to this fact, cause I've been there done that. If the fella likes football, then you would TRY to love it as well. Wake up at 4.30am to watch the latest game just so that you can keep up with him. TRYING to stay awake even though you can barely survive after watching the game for only 5 mins! Purposely went to buy his favourite football team jersey so that you think you would have something in common. You start playing football even though you hate it and you so don't want to run around just to chase after a ball. Hmmm.. sounds familiar?? ;)

It could be other things as well, like his taste in music. Though he likes heavy rock and you used to BASH that type of music genre, and now you wanna TRY to LOVE it just because he does. Trying to turn yourself into the "hot stuff" that he likes and all that? Yeah.. I think all of us practically went through that phase in life. I have learned through all the heart breaks and crushing on guys, that you just need to be YOURSELF. No point trying to fit yourself into a bubble that you do not belong in. If the guy is really worth your feelings and emotions, he should see and love you for who you are!

So what if I don't like chess? So what if I don't like watching football? So what if I'm not THAT LAME? So what if I don't like to eat what he likes to it?? So what if I'm not the HOT STUFF in town?? So what if I like sappy love stories? So what if I like painting sceneries instead of drawing his FAVOURITE MANGA? So what if I like being a goofball? So what if I like to be quiet and stare into space sometimes? So what if I BURP like a dude sometimes? What you see is what you get man! And I love ME! <3>I contemplated and realized as I grew, the man whom God has chosen for me would not just appreciate and love me for my strengths. But he would love me for my weaknesses as well. He wouldn't compare me with other women because in his eyes', I am special in my own ways. Even when I act like a nutso and an oddball or a goofball. He would cherish and appreciate me for being me, even though I might just choke him up for making me mad! :P He would appreciate and love our differences. He would just hug me and reassure me that everything's going to be alright during bad times, cause he knows hugs are just what I need instead of words. He would stand up for me and laugh with me when I embarrass myself. He wouldn't mind just sitting by my side watching me paint my ugly paintings. He wouldn't mind teaching me some cool tricks that he knows (since many guys would think that women will just be women.. no?) He would encourage me to always trust and depend on God. And to give God more love than him. And the list can go on and on and on. Most of all, he would forever be true and be mine because we love through and with God's love. And for HE loved us first :))

So guys and girls, know that you are truly beautiful from the inside out no matter what people say or think about you. Cause the ones who truly love you and will forever stay, are those who do not expect you to be perfect, but those who see your imperfections as beautiful :) know that God created you as who you are for a reason. For He loves every bit and part of you :) Love yourself, otherwise, how are you able to truly love others? Hug yourself and give yourself some LOVE!! :)) <3

Awww... Quirky, but cute :) RAWR too! :P

" what makes you different, makes you beautiful.."

Watching...

Watching everything pass me by, slowly but surely. Sometimes I wish I am able to grasp each beautiful detail of it. Sometimes I wish that I wouldn't just sit there and watch, but to be there and go through the pain with it. The eyes see and the heart yearns, but the body doesn't move. Shouldn't there be an instant reflex of action when the heart urges and yearns to do something?

And then I remember, the mind is there. It has always been the barrier to everything beautiful and hopeful. I wonder oh God, when will I be able to act upon the desires that You have put into my heart? To not think twice and second guess myself anymore. When will I be able to not hide my true feelings? To not be afraid or ashamed by what the world sees.

I need You to help me see, the beautiful of every bad ending. And the everlasting joy and peace of every good ending. Let my heart not be afraid anymore. Let my spirit and flesh move to every beat that You cause my heart to. I need You.. And so does my heart, Lord...

Always Seem To Be..

Why is it that everytime there needs to be a boundary towards something that I feel? I'm always able to sense and feel it, but never able to touch and hold onto it. Sometimes it's just too frustating. Knowing that something is there but yet it's so far away. Felt it too many times, I'm tired and I'm getting sick of feeling this way for countless of times. Why can't this just be easy to start with?

I'm sick of just looking at it with silence. I wanna branch out and be able to make it MINE. But how? I just don't know what I can do. It aches and it pains me to feel this way again and again. I want to throw it back into the ocean and let it DROWN. But I think, I threw myself in with it...

God, save me....

My Role Model

Besides than Jesus being ULTIMATE role model in life. My great grandma is my other role model on earth apart from my parents'. Shes 87 this year. Quite young for a great grandma huh? Yeah, I hear that a lot. As humans grow old, every part of our body shrinks. Even our organs. Its kind of normal for her to get sick and get admitted into the hospital. Especially when she has asthma. She is a strong, optimistic, cute, adorable, sweet and gentle soul :)... Shes been in and out of the hospital almost twice a year.

But, even when shes sick. Or in the hospital. She never fails to go to church every sunday, riding on her little old bike. Shes been all alone by herself for the past 25 years ever since her husband died(my great grandpa). Last night I wondered to myself, even with my family and friends around me. Yet, I feel lonely sometimes. And my great grandma has been alone by herself for 25 years. Washing, cooking and cleaning all by herself. I definitely believe that in her spare time, she talks to God a lot. And that's how I know why she doesn't feel alone at all. Because God, is really in her life. She told my mum before, that she sometimes misses her husband. But, because of God.. She is able to overcome the lonely times in her life. When I thought about that last night. I just thought to myself "Wow.. shes such an incredible woman.. I wanna grow to be just like her.." Despite her health and lack of physical support. She is still passionate about God. And even through the lonely times. The ONLY person she seeks, is GOD. I can't help but to cry thinking about it.

Because, its so powerful and yet touching at the same time. My great grandma definitely left something for me to grow on with. Which is to know, that God is with me 24/7. And even during the bad times, know that my faith, love and believe in Him will overcome ALL loneliness and difficulties. I know very well, that even as shes laying on the hospital bed right now. Shes thinking about God, and when she will go HOME:')... I know that she'll be fine for sure. Cause she never stops fighting. Shes a WARRIOR. A WARRIOR for GOD.

" I LOVE you great grandma... Get well soon.. :')"

Giving up on LOVE means giving up on GOD. Giving up on GOD means giving up on LOVE. Yeah... you get the picture.. Its just so hard sometimes. I don't want to cry anymore Lord...



*praying*

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 1 Peter 5:6-10

:) =) =] :') =') =']

Change

So much had happened lately and I just don't know where to start or what to say. Theres 2 things in life that I really dislike most. Which is CHANGE and REJECTION/BEING HURT. Well, been through quite a lot for this week and its just suddenly so heavy that I just somehow feel that I'm not strong enough to bear it. I admit that I did cry. But, it is through Him that I was able to pull through it step by step.

Right now, learning how to let go of some1 really dear to me is another task at hand. I really don't know if I can take another heartbreak or let another person go anymore. It feels like I've let go a lot of things in life. And every time that I do, it feels like something NEW. And every time it happens it is never easier. But harder. :')... I always hated the fact that I have to let something go even though I really love it. Who likes it anyway? But we have to when it just happens right?

Right now, I don't even know what I'm talking abt. Lol.. Its like, everything is splashed on a piece of paper but with very ugly colours. Went to church today and of course, its FATHER'S DAY!! =)... I really cried a lot becoz of what is happening. And at the same time, I felt really really really BAD becoz I'm crying while I should be joyful. Its Father's Day for goodness sake! And I'm suppose to wish my Father in Heaven a Happy Father's Day but instead I'm crying.. -.-"...

While I was crying, I kept saying to God. "Daddy... I'm really really sorry... I know that I shouldn't cry especially when its Father's Day. I'm really sorry that I'm crying right now.. I really am sorry. :'("... But my Father was gracious of me. He told me "Its okay... Just cry... Just don't give up.. DON'T GIVE UP!"... I can't help but to cry even MORE. I just felt like an UNDYING LOVE and SUPPORT from Him just POURED upon me. And I felt His hugs. When I felt all those, I just couldn't stop crying. I COULDN'T!! I HAVE to be STRONG not for myself but for GOD. Because He needs me just as much as I need HIM!!

Its not going to be easy. But I will DO MY BEST because my Father loves me! Right now, I will just take my time to heal while I look upon Him :')



"Letting go of you is the hardest thing for me right now. But doing it without God, would have killed me...."


Lord, I trust in You. Therefore, I lean on You and Your strength right now...


P.S- HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO ALL THE FATHERS! AND TO YOU, DADDY IN HEAVEN ULTIMATELY!!! =)



*holding on to God*

Priorities

What are your priorities in life? My aunt called me last night to ask if doing sound(AV stuff) is hard. Well, I just said "Its not really hard and its not really easy either. As long as you have the interest to do it. Then all is well.. :)"... When I told my mum that my aunt is thinking of joining the AV team in the Chinese church of Glad Tidings. My mum was like.. "she got time meh? her own 4 kids also cannot take care and now she wants to join the AV team ar??". If you guys don't know, my aunt is a divorced woman of 4 kids. 3 boys and 1 girl. Its really complicated and mind you that its not God's fault that they got divorced. ANYWAY, my aunt... how should I put it?.. According to my mum's "motherly" judgement. My aunt isn't a good mum.

She never really takes care of her kids and apparently, her kids aren't really her priority. (From my mum's analysis). But then I thought, what does serving God in the AV team has to do with her kids? So my mum explained that.. "I know ur aunt wants to serve God and all these kinds of stuff. But, do you think that, thats what God wants her to do now? Maybe God wants her to take care of her kids le? The bible says that WE as parents' are given the task to take care and nurture our kids as they are given to us as treasures by God. But is ur aunt doing what she is suppose to do? I believe that God would want us to serve Him with the right attitude and all things going accordingly in life. If she can't even do her part as a parent and perform the task at hand thats already given by God, how can you expect her to serve in the AV team? Wouldn't that be serving God hypocritically?"..

Those things that my mum asked me kind of got me thinking. Thats really true. Now, I understand why not everybody are actively involved in church. Coz, this might be part of the reason why. As in, they've got other priorities in life and stuff. But that doesn't mean that their not serving God. As a parent, they serve God by taking care of their treasures(children). Teenagers and kids, we serve God by getting good grades and obeying Him and our parents'. There are many ways that we can serve God and it doesn't always have to be in the church. Mum was right. And she also made a point that we gotta make our priorities right. If your gonna serve God. Serve Him with the right heart, attitude and life. Otherwise, you'll just be doing everything "half past 6" and I don't think that God would like that very much. Its either that your hot or cold and not lukewarn. So yea, setting my priorities RIGHT!

Priorities:-

1. God

2. Family & Studies

3. Church & Friends

4. Future boyfriend/husband

Yup, the things above are my priorities for now as a teenager. It may change after I get a job, get married and stuff. But God will always be NO.1!! =)

SET YOUR PRIORITIES RIGHT PEEPS!

The Place Where It All Started

Went back last sat (5th of june) to my parents' hometown(perak, sitiawan) to witness and help out for my cousin bro's wedding(congrats! :) ). But, the wedding wasn't really my mum's purpose of going back. Neither was mine. My family had an astranged relationship with my grandparents' (mum's side). After what had happened 7 years ago. Yup, we didn't visit nor talk to them for SEVEN years! But, it really wasn't my parents' fault. What happened you ask? Sorry, too private. You would have to be a really close friend to find out ;)..

Anyway, as my bros, mum and I arrived at their house. I walked in 1st with 2 pairs of crocs on my hand(a gift for them from my mum). The 1st person I saw when I walked in was my grandpa. He was sitting down on a chair reading his newspaper(kampung style.. LOL!). He heard me walking in and he turned his head to see who was it. When he saw me and my bros, I think there was a 3 secs pause. I just said "Hi grandpa :)".. He looked at me and my bros and said "Hello.." And then he invited us in and stuff. Then my grandma came out from the kitchen. The 1st thing she did was, she held me and she looked at me up and down. And she said "Waaaa... hooi hooi grow up adi.. Such a big girl already.." I can feel tears rolling down my eyes as I saw her. Because, I just couldn't believe that I'm actually seeing her and my grandpa. I was just so overwhelmed by the whole thing.

And of course, they were really happy when they saw my mum. And of course, my mum was really happy too! =).. We all talked a little. And my grandpa and grandma brought us to the kitchen to have some food (kampung style.. haha!xD)... I'm telling you, my grandpa is THE best chef EVER! The food he cooks are just so DELICIOUS. Its not just delicious but it feels like HOME. =)... Then my bros and I went outside to look at the neighbourhood and stuff while my mum catches up with my grandparents'.

I have to say that God really has a plan for everything. Things may be really harsh at times in life but He has His plans. And He is never hear to harm us. What my parents' went through was really really really bad.. The thought of it sometimes, when I think about the side effects of what my parents' went through in my life. Really just brings tears to my eyes. But, God is ever so merciful and gracious to all of us. He did take some stuff but He didn't took everything. And from the little amount that He took. He gave us back even more than we expected :').. It was just that period of time that was tough... But through that 7 years of hardship.. God was always there. My parents' left Him a long time ago ever since they got married.

But He never left them. And He never denied them as they have denied Him. Even though they went through all these for 7 years. But to me, it was all worth it. The outcome of it all is beyond amazing. Without this experience, I would have never known God and His love. Without this experience, my parents' would have never gone back to God and learned their lessons in life. Without this experience, we wouldn't know what we have lost until we really lose it. (family, friends and loved ones).. I'm really thankful to God that even though the money was gone. But my parents' weren't gone. Coz, I could have lost them in this battle in life. But God shined His light on them and was with them through every trial and darkness in their lives. And even in mine as well as I was struggling to grow up without my parents' presence at home most of the time during those days.

One thing's for sure. HIS LOVE ENDURES FOREVER. AND HE IS FOREVER GRACIOUS & MERCIFUL! =)

Behind Closed Curtains

Just finished watching the movie "Moulin Rouge" just now. I've seen this movie aired in Channel 413 a lot of times before. But, after watching half way I stopped. Why? Because, its ALL over the place. The costumes. lights. flashbacks, humans... EVERYTHING, were just such a HUGE CLASH. I got a bit of a headache everytime I watch it. Thats why I always stop half way. But today, I managed to finish it! Without trying to confuse myself too much with the colours, lights, flashback scenes, drama, singing, dancing and everything else. I finally understand what the movie means. It isn't just about "she sings, she dance and she dies".. But, its about LOVE.

Moulin Rouge is abit like Pride&Prejudice, but with a sad ending. The main character in this story died of a disease call "dry cough" which sort of means lung cancer as well. She and this man fell in love but their love was forbidden as she lives in a world where ppl think that they are BOUGHT to be valued and loved. She was bought by this DUKE who is powerful and filthy rich. To cut the long story short. The duke wanted to kill the man who love her if they continue to be together. At the end they got together in a most dramatical way on stage(you will have to watch the movie to get what I mean). When they were on stage, curtains were closed and the audiences applaud. But because of her disease, she died while the audiences were still applauding in front of closed curtains. But of course, before she took her last breath. She did said a few things to the man that she loves. Like "I love you..." this and that.. "write a story.. and I will always be with you..." etc etc.. You get the picture.

As I was watching the ending of the movie. I realized that many times in life. It seems like we're okay from the outside. But behind closed curtains and closed doors. We may be facing all the terrible and horrible things that ppl just do not know. Just like theatre. In front of the audience, we perform well and beautifully. Everything looks clean and perfect. But whats behind the backstage. We do not know. I just want to say, that whatever that you are going through behind closed curtains and doors. Some1 UP there knows what your going through. And He cares and loves you. So, never think that your alone. Because He is with you and He sees every tear that falls. Just believe in Him and trust that He will take care of everything. =)...

"And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us, a slain offering and sacrifice to God a sweet fragrance." Ephesians 5:2

Grief..

Yesterday wasn't really a good at all. Failed my driving test. Was so FRUSTATED becoz during practices, my slopes are good and okay... But during the exam... I didn't do well on the slope at all.. In fact, I released the clutch a bit too much and didn't step on the accelerator hard enough and the engine broke down-.-".. I thought I was SO going to pass yesterday but I didn't... -.-".... Even my driving instructor said that I was sure going to pass... Mana tau? This happened... Gggrrrr... How can I not be frustated? I was doing fine all the while and suddenly this crap happens! Haihz... I was really grieved about it...

And really wasn't satisfied at all. I felt even WORSE when one of the worker there (an old malay dude...) SO SARCASTICALLY said to me "Amoi~ turun turun... awak sudah buat cukup baik... sudah SANGAT baik la amoi~"... -.-!!... The way he said it was SO freaking sarcastic man!! I was so clueless on whats going on and was in a state of blurness already and yet this uncle came to me and tried to make fun of me... I wanted to just ask him to SHUT UP wei...

Anyway, went home and told my parents' about it at night... I got so worked up about it and got even MORE angrier... And I CANNOT believe that I cursed! Yes... for the 1st time in SUCH A LOONNGGG TIME... Emelia Cheng Voon Hooi cursed... -.-"... Nope.. not the F word.. But a mandarin word that my mum always used when shes EXTREMELY mad... And I have to say that after saying it.. I was NOT PROUD of myself at all. I could feel my Holy Spirit calling. He must've been like.. "Aiyo.. Emelia... why act on your grief??" Yup, I felt really bad. Went home to repent and apologize to God. The thing is, many times in our lives. Failure, challenges, problems, obstacles and etc can bring us down and we may allow grief to take over us. I really allowed it to take over me yesterday. I know that to you people, probably cursing and stuff is nothing. But do you realize that the more often you do it, the more you get addicted to it. From cursing, it can lead to hurting people around you or even yourself. And, its a RUDE thing to say.

So yea, what I've learned yesterday is to not let gried take over us. And any other negative emotions to drown us. I can say that I was kinda drowned by it yesterday. But I'm all okay now with His words and reminders. Thank You, God :)



"The intergrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity." Proverbs 11:3

Yeah... I Miss You :)

Chris Tomlin - Unfailing Love (with lyrics)

When the song says, "And everything.. You hold in Your hand.. Still You make time for me.. I can't understand".. I truly cannot and can never understand why can God love me and YOU so much.. His love is just too overwhelming.. And its too MUCH... TOO MUCH... I just can't describe how much I love and adore You Lord.. Because of Your unfailing LOVE... Yeahh... Your unfailing LOVE..

Waiting... Hmmmpphh..

hhhhmmmmphhss... I'm right here waiting... *smiles/pouts*

EXCITED!!

YUP!! I'm really really REALLY EXCITED!! About what you say?? Guess la... guess guess guess... *clock ticking* *3 DAYS later....*

-.-"....



OKAY! nvm.. xD... I'm uber excited for COLLEGE!! YESH, COLLEGE!! I know its another few weeks away. Or should I say in about a month or so. BUT! After rotting at home for so so so SO MANY months.. I tak boleh tahan adi... MUST DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE!! MUST STUDY! Plus, I'm so excited to learn ALL about nursing! :)... Weeee~ *jumps up&down!* Hehehehe...



I'm going to be like the smartiest smarty PANTS in coll. Yes, the kid that answers everything the teacher asks'... (as if.. xP)


And switch to NERD mode whenever theres exams and stuff... Lol...

Warning: The excitement for college is not permanent. xD

Submission

The dictionary says that submission means "The act of submitting; the act of yielding to power or authority; surrender of the person and power to the control or government of another; obedience; compliance." Wow, its a lot of things all together. Today is my 7th day of fasting and prayer and I sensed God giving me the word "Submission". As what the dictionary explains, submission is obedience, surrender and submitting to the highest authority. To me, its God that I should submit to. I'm really not sure how to do ALL of those things together that equals to submission.

Its going to be quite tough though.. I could hardly obey Him at all times and now He wants me to submit to Him..? O.O.. I kinda wondered today... "Father, aren't You asking for too much? Ehehehe...".. But I found this scripture.. and it tells me why I should..

"Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members?....... Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you" James 4:1,7


Thats why... And I know that, God isn't asking becoz He wants a lot from me. Its becoz He loves and cares for me. And He just want me to stay close to Him and becareful:).. Love You Lord:)..

*being submissive*